For almost three years now since I have started this blog, I have somewhat kept this blog secret from my wife. Thankfully, she is not really fond of searching my name in Google. Otherwise, she would have easily found this blog. Although my wife knows that I have several blogs, I have not put emphasis on this particular blogsite. In one hand, I was ambivalent about revealing the existence of this blogsite to my wife in fear that she would be angry at me. After all, I was the one who converted her to Mormonism. When I became an atheist, I thought she would feel somewhat betrayed if she found out about my new conviction. I really did not want to hurt her feelings. At the same time, I did not have any intention of converting her to atheism. On the other hand, I also wanted her to understand me. It is ironic that in the back of my mind I was really half-hoping that she would read this blog so that she could understand me better.
It was really a gradual process before I have finally revealed to her the existence of this blogsite. It took almost three years. I first became inactive in attending church services. Some circumstances also contributed to our lost of enthusiasm to attend church services. One of which was my job relocation. We were seldom able to go to our local Mormon church because of the impractical distance. It gave me the opportunity to gradually show her the doctrinal and historical errors of the Mormon Church.
However, I have not fully revealed my atheism. I just told her that I was just seeking the truth. I have not discouraged her to pray or believe in God. In fact, I have not even protested when she started teaching our three-year old son how to pray. She has her own convictions but she was not really fanatic about the Mormon Church. She too eventually became inactive from attending church services even when we finally returned to our former residence after I was retrenched from my job. However, I still saw that she still had some emotional attachment to our unofficially "former" religion. We often confide with each other about the merits of having a religion, especially now that our son is already starting to have questions about certain religious-related things he sees on television and learns from his playmates. Our son also has recently started pre-school class.
It was only about two weeks ago that I finally encouraged my wife to read about this blogsite. We previously had some discussions about religion in general. After some sort of debate, we both agreed that science is a better and more reliable test of reality compared to religion. It actually started with a dinner table discussion. We were then planning her return to school. She was then thinking of taking up a course in physics. Our conversation eventually led to a discussion about the origin and nature of the cosmos as defined by physics. In the course of our conversation, it became clear to her that I do not anymore believe in an intelligent designer. She was not angry, surprised or depressed when I finally revealed to her that I am an atheist. She told me that she already knew. She just did not want me to be pontifical about it.
Jun 20, 2009
Revelation
Nov 6, 2007
Moments of Weakness
Perhaps the feeling is comparable to the "phantom limb" phenomenon felt by amputees. However, there is a big difference. There was actually nothing amputated from me except for my former delusions. Nonetheless, I cannot deny the emptiness that I feel. Losing faith is comparable to losing a love one. This feeling is similar to the grief that I felt when my mother died. This feeling of grief was reinforced when I recently visited my mother's tomb. There are moments between sleep and waking that I struggle to come to terms with reality. I try to call God only to realize that he is not there. Well, he was never there anyway. Unlike my mother, God never embraced me, talked to me, or sang me lullaby to put me to sleep. God never got worried about me whenever I get sick. He never got his hands dirty washing my clothes. God never bought me toys. God never went to the "sari-sari" store (a common neighborhood mini-grocery store here in the Philippines) just to beg the owner to lend him canned sardines and a kilo of rice so that my siblings and I could eat our dinner. However, my mother, with all her limitations, did all these things and more. Hence, mother was more real to me than God ever was.
Am I angry with God for taking my mother away? Not by any means! How can an imaginary god has anything to do with my mother's death? How can this supposedly omni-benevolent deity allowed by mother to suffer lingering pain all those years and suddenly end her life? I am totally insulted whenever somebody would say that that there was a divine purpose for the suffering that my mother endured. A god that who allows any type of suffering is demented and can be psychologically diagnosed as sadistic. It seems to me that the Christian God enjoys the suffering of humans. He even prepared hell for the purpose of torture. On the other hand, deity who submits himself to be tortured and executed can be perceived as masochistic. I simply find it absurd that Christians worship a sadomasochistic deity. A deity such as this is more fit to the lunatic asylum.
Although it has been more than a decade since my mother died, there are still moments that I feel grief-stricken. I miss my mother so much. If there is a heaven, I surely would wish that she is there. However, I do not think heaven does exist for the same reason that I do not think that God exists. The existence of God is as improbable as the existence of the Invisible Pink Unicorn. The internal contradictions about the concept of God are enough proofs that he is just a product of imagination. Although I recognize the merits of religion in providing hope for many people, this hope is meaningless simply because it is false.
