Moments of Weakness

It has been barely two months since I fully committed myself to the philosophy of atheism. As a recent convert, I still have emotional attachments to my former beliefs. Although I am intellectually convinced of the atheistic world view, there are still some vestigial religiosity left in my system. There are moments of weakness that I am tempted to pray to the imaginary God of my credulous former self. Am I reverting to superstitious theism? I do not think so, and I do not want to.

Perhaps the feeling is comparable to the "phantom limb" phenomenon felt by amputees. However, there is a big difference. There was actually nothing amputated from me except for my former delusions. Nonetheless, I cannot deny the emptiness that I feel. Losing faith is comparable to losing a love one. This feeling is similar to the grief that I felt when my mother died. This feeling of grief was reinforced when I recently visited my mother's tomb. There are moments between sleep and waking that I struggle to come to terms with reality. I try to call God only to realize that he is not there. Well, he was never there anyway. Unlike my mother, God never embraced me, talked to me, or sang me lullaby to put me to sleep. God never got worried about me whenever I get sick. He never got his hands dirty washing my clothes. God never bought me toys. God never went to the "sari-sari" store (a common neighborhood mini-grocery store here in the Philippines) just to beg the owner to lend him canned sardines and a kilo of rice so that my siblings and I could eat our dinner. However, my mother, with all her limitations, did all these things and more. Hence, mother was more real to me than God ever was.

Am I angry with God for taking my mother away? Not by any means! How can an imaginary god has anything to do with my mother's death? How can this supposedly omni-benevolent deity allowed by mother to suffer lingering pain all those years and suddenly end her life? I am totally insulted whenever somebody would say that that there was a divine purpose for the suffering that my mother endured. A god that who allows any type of suffering is demented and can be psychologically diagnosed as sadistic. It seems to me that the Christian God enjoys the suffering of humans. He even prepared hell for the purpose of torture. On the other hand, deity who submits himself to be tortured and executed can be perceived as masochistic. I simply find it absurd that Christians worship a sadomasochistic deity. A deity such as this is more fit to the lunatic asylum.

Although it has been more than a decade since my mother died, there are still moments that I feel grief-stricken. I miss my mother so much. If there is a heaven, I surely would wish that she is there. However, I do not think heaven does exist for the same reason that I do not think that God exists. The existence of God is as improbable as the existence of the Invisible Pink Unicorn. The internal contradictions about the concept of God are enough proofs that he is just a product of imagination. Although I recognize the merits of religion in providing hope for many people, this hope is meaningless simply because it is false.